The Curious Case of an Anti-social Biatch

I stared at the monitor for ~five minutes, contemplating on how to write this blog post. After a while, I decided to write some form of letter to my batch mates since this piece is centered on the reunion we had a while back.

Here goes.

Hey batch mates!

I know that it's been four long years since we have gathered together as a whole, and honestly, when the day started, I couldn't wait to see you guys. Well, at first, I was enthusiastic. But, as time went by, I turned hesitant. At first sight, I didn't even recognize some of you. You've all leveled up! Oh well. Time does that to people.

But, as the day went on its natural course, admittedly, I was mostly a ghost to you guys. A specter that could  barely be seen, heard, or felt. Well, I'd have to defend that that was my natural state. But, I owe you a deeper and more concise explanation.

I'm really sorry for the way I was acting earlier. That certainly was no way to act during a reunion, and you're all probably pissed at me right now.You may hate me for my behavior, but to be perfectly honest, I hate myself a million times over.

Well, here's a brief background (I guess you should know, but if you want you can skip this part, although it is of equal importance to the other parts of this 'letter'):

Ever since I can remember, I have been an introvert. As a kid, I never really went out much, and although I did have friends, I preferred to be alone. Thus, I resorted to reading, writing and all that crap. You get the idea.

Well, high school only worsened this behavioral problem of mine. During the first three weeks or so, there wasn't a single day that passed when I wouldn't cry my eyeballs out, figuratively speaking. I was confined in the dorm at that time, and the thought of being away from everyone I came to know, being isolated with a bunch of strangers, plus a whole lot of acad pressures, overwhelmed me.

Blah, blah, blah. Skip to the present. I hope the blat from the past would make you understand. Or not.

But the point is, its really hard for me to socialize with people, even starting a conversation is difficult for me. I never really did do good in crowds, thus, I suck at group interaction. I also presumed, from what I heard, that you guys already have some colorful and eventful lives. But, my life, only revolved around school and home. 

The only conversation starter that seemed apt was asking about college. End of convo. 

You started talking about your love lives: my love life is non-existent. You started to talk about other people, whom I barely know, or whom I do know, but haven't heard from that person in a long while. Let's just say I couldn't relate to what you guys were babbling about. So, I merely listened to what you had to say. But you kept nudging and nagging me to talk, and I didn't think you'd want to hear about my boring life or the like.

But I did talk, if I found the opportunity. That was me trying to fit in. That wasn't me trying to start a conversation for the sake of actually starting a conversation. Believe me, I really wanted to hang out with you guys.

Yadda-yadda-yadda.

It was during  the climax of the afternoon heat that the guys wanted to use the swimming pool already. So, yeah we did and it was fun. :)

But the thing that struck me the most, was when a certain someone (yeah, I guess you know who you are, no point in actually naming anyone for the sake of anonymity) said something really, for me, hurtful.

For the play by play, Person 1 asked me if I still knew you guys (in bisaya, of course). On the inside, I was like, Seriously? Of course I do. Then Person 2 said, "Ah, *someone* and I were the only ones who could actually understand each other because we were both smart. Person 3 defended *someone* and said that she was actually interactive and bubbly. 

Then, this certain someone said in bisaya (and this is not word-for-word), "The reason why they wouldn't bother about interacting with us, is because they're already too intellectually high, and they don't want to waste time talking to us lower people."

Or something like that. You get the point.

Well, BULLSHIT. 

When I heard that, and comprehended what had been said, although maybe it was meant to be a friendly joke or an actual insult or something, whatever that statement's purpose was, I was crushed. I was devastated and embarrassed. In my mind I was like, what the hell was that? Are you effing kidding me? 

You think I'm that shallow? No. I don't think I'm better than any of you. Having to study in a some well-off school doesn't mean that that person is high and mighty or whatever. In fact, to hell with being high and low. That's not the damned problem here. That's not my issue. My problem, is preferring to be a loner, to be surrounded by books, not people.

Well, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel ignored. I'm just not very good at this crap.

It's unbelievable and totally absurd for any one of you to think that. If all of you, or some of you think the exact same way as this certain someone, then think again. 

I felt horrible. 

Well, I guess since then, I've learned my lesson. I really, really, really need to improve myself badly. That's noted. I've had time to reflect and realized that it all boils down to me. My fault. Ha-ha.

So, yeah, to everyone who's pissed at me, I'm sorry.

And please don't say this is just an OA move. Because, it's not. I couldn't tell you in person, because it's like, I can't put this into words verbally. Writing is so much easier for me to put it all down in words. Yes, this is quite long and I hope you have absorbed some of the things I said. Even just a wee bit. But you made it this far, so congrats!

Emphasis: I'm not being OA. I'm passive.

Also, if I was the one you were insinuating earlier, I'm not stupid. I have ears. Hahaha jk but srsly. And if I'm not, then okay. :)

Let's not forget the main word here: SORRY. :)

Thank you guys for an awesome reunion despite particular circumstances.




XO

Momentary Jitters

Dear Ara (in the near future),

Today, you had, what is infamously known as, the jitters. It all started when you were casually scrolling through Twitter. You came upon this tweet by a friend, saying that he/she will not be enrolling in UP, and will proceed with her college duties elsewhere. As I had anticipated, it came as a shock to you, as she had previously said that the both of you would be schoolmates, and even better, course-mates. Yet, the tables have turned in the form of that tweet, and you both exchanged tweets.To cut the long story short, she was already determined to push through with her decision. So, that was one less  person deducted from the list of Pisay people you would be studying with in  UP.

Adding to that factor, was the seemingly severe and discouraging posts and feedback from other Pisay people that have graduated ahead of you, and who are now studying in different UP campuses. It's the end of the second semester for them, and they have been bombarding posts about their grades, and to be honest, we found them entirely discouraging as we read on.

Thus, you decided to talk about this with Mom. She wasn't very happy about you having second thoughts, because she thought it was a little too late for that, since you've already confirmed your slot. Yes, she had a point. But let's be honest with ourselves, we both wanted her to support us, and say, 'Whatever makes you happy, 'nak'. Instead of feeling relieved, you felt even worse.

The next move you made was to check for any batchmates online. You found a sensual batchmate, and you started chatting him up. At first, you felt as if this was going to go nowhere, and you were just going to share about the problem at hand. But it took you by surprise how he gave you just the right kind of advice, the advice you yearned for. And it made you even more determined, and it made the jitters go away. :) So thank you, batchmate, and really good friend!

Therefore, if you ever read this again, which I am sure you will, you're probably in UP right now, if all goes smoothly. Maybe you're busy accomplishing a req, an assignment, studying for an exam, or whatever. If you read this again, and you're doing exactly as I've written above, then kudos to you!

I know, and probably everyone knows, that UP is not a school that offers you ease. It's as they say, "magulang sa Pisay". So what you have gone through in Pisay, it will certainly be harder when you enter UP. Just hang in there, if you're finding difficulty, just remember that it will all pass. The journey may not be a walk in the park, and it can be the most rigorous path you've taken on yet, but it will definitely be one of the most fulfilling, if not the most fulfilling voyage you've ever undertaken so far in your life.

Remember also to reward yourself, even if it's just for a minute victory. Because small things make up big things. :)

Keep praying. God will ALWAYS be there for you.

Focuuus! Haha. Aim high!

Keep moving forward.



I hope you find strength and contentment when you come across this blog post I made especially for you at 9:01 PM of April 12.

Feel free to write back to me. Hihi :D


Lovelots,

Ara from April 12 (the present) xo


P.S. Enjoy this little picture I decided to attach :)

Bumped into this on Tumblr. Believe in YOU :)

A bad case of writer's block yet again

While randomly surfing the broad world of the internet, and at the same time crying my heart out listening to Ed Sheeran's songs (which I am indeed very grateful for, The Ed Sheeran Collection; and yes, I go emotionally crazy when I listen to his songs although I've listened to them for the nth time already; and yes, Ed Sheeran has that uncanny effect on me ❤), I receive a new e-mail.

And the title reads: 'New comment on Forever and Ever' from 'The Wattpad Team'

I immediately feel my heart skip a beat (exagg). It's been a while since I updated my 'mugna' story which I carelessly posted on Wattpad for fun. I hastily access my account on Wattpad. People may think wattpad is cheap and all, but to be honest it's one of my favorite websites on the internet. There are actually some pretty good young writers on wattpad. :) But there are some writers which get on my nerves, but let's not get into that.

So, I go to my fanfiction, and look up the comments. And my immediate reaction is OMG.

My self-made book cover for the fanfiction. 

Writer's block extraordinaire

For everyone's 411, I am an aspiring author. Yes, you got that right, folks. I'm an aspiring author at fifteen. Told you I was a geek. While everyone else my age would want to hang out with their friends, and do whatever, I would rather be with a laptop or paper and pen, and scribble everything my mind runs into.

And to tell you the truth, I have been writing since elementary school. Poems, short stories, you name it. But high school made me want to right more, longer, complex-er. I couldn't recall exactly how many pieces of literature I've done, but I'm guessing that there is a LOT. Like major.

Being socially awkward turned me into this person. I had a few friends to hang out with, and I think I didn't want to hang out at all. It was too tiring for me, I guess. I don't know. 

So in that sense, I make my own world. So far, I haven't really finished a story, except those way back in elementary. The complex ones were difficult, especially because of the hectic schedule courtesy of schoolwork. It bummed me.

It was like every time I thought about a new story (and honestly, that happened like a lot), I just jot down in that instantaneous moment, write as much as I can, feeling so ecstatic. And then boom! Distraction comes along, and the momentum, the precious momentum, has just been shattered. I only make it to ten chapters, roughly. And then, when I go back to writing again, there's just no magic in it anymore. I couldn't feel what I felt when I wrote it initially. 

That's my problem. Writer's block. Lack of focus. Loss of momentum. Whatever you call it. I was having a bad case of whatever that is. And I would give just about anything for a remedy. 

It's just that I feel like it's such a waste. 

Anyone know the answer? 

x's and o's,

AERASALVATORE

Happy Halloween!

The first of November marks the scariest day in the 365 days that we get to have each year. Or was it October 31? I still am mislead about the whole date thing. Some say it's the November first, some say it's October thirty-first. Whichever, I still am buzzed about the whole thing. Honestly, Halloween scares the heck out of me, the same chilly effect brought about by Friday the thirteenth.

Okay, maybe I am a bit superstitious, I know. But I still am a skeptic about a lot of things, don't get me wrong. Halloween just doesn't get me excited the way Christmas does or something. Are you following?

Anyway, I know Halloween is a real fun event in other parts of the world, where they can go trick-or-treating and dress up in Halloween costumes. But in my part of the world, that awesome event was non-existent. Well, sure there were some people who followed that certain tradition, but it wasn't really that socially acceptable. Minority of the people here do that. And majority of the people find it too distressing or just not worth it.

In my part of the world, Halloween is when you visit your deceased relatives in the cemetery and pray once more for their souls. It was the time of year dedicated to the dead. It was the time where families reunited. In the economical sense, it was the time when buses and public transports were booked, carrying passengers who want to go home to their provinces and visit their dead relatives. It was the time when every news broadcast on local television was keeping track of the happenings in cemeteries in cities, on the lookout for anything interesting.

i once recall a certain story-sharing I was involved in just a few days before this marked day. Every story we shared had to be scary or creepy or macabre.

And I was surprised that there were actually a lot of stories, true stories, which the group shared. And I was just there, sitting and listening, with no story to share. I hadn't had any encounters with supernatural beings, and I didn't want to. If they were really here, I just want to leave them be, so for them to leave me be. See? Mutualism was the key.

But I realized as story after story started to register in my brain, that supernatural entities may be lurking everywhere. Some people may see them, some may not (like me, and like I said, I don't want to). But if that theory is correct, then we're not the only ones in this world. We gotta learn to share, I guess. And Halloween 's dedicated to them, too.


Happy Halloween!

x's and o's,
AERASALVATORE

Just Another One of my Psychobabbles

What is the deal between you two? Or...three? Whatever.

Note: Some of the information may be a wee bit unmatched to your version of the story. You know, in case you know me. ;) okay

Since freshman year, I have had this crush on a guy named Nick (not his real name). That came out well and straightforward. Anyways, things were stable between us back then, you know, casual convos, exchange of greetings and nods here and there. Until one day, I wake up to find that the entire batch knows about my insane crush on Nick, including him. It was awful. I only told a few people about it and I was cool with it. That is until the unexpected tell-all happened. Our casual whatever just got burned at the stake. With nothing left. Stupid rumors.

Meanwhile, here I am four years later, still utterly ignoring and ignored by him. We aren't really on speaking terms for the past years. We just talk when the situation demands it. And it sucked.

All those years, I tried to forget about him and just about this crush. I had to tell myself that this was just a crush. It'll pass, like they always do. But expectations were far from reality. And the reality was, was that it didn't.

But I did try to keep it on low-profile. You know, keep to myself and everything. And I have told everyone that I was over it, and that it was cool. Which, I think they buy. Well, some of them that is. But whatever, things were about to change when we reach sophomore year.

We were sophomores, and freshmen were invading the school, swarms of them, of the different variety. But one certain variety caught the eye of Nick. She was the perfect match for him. And her name was Sophie (not her real name). It bummed me somehow that someone could actually find their match made in heaven. And I guess it stung, a little. But, I guess the least I could do was to be happy for him. Be happy for them.

That is until I find that Sophie had had a lot of guys stringing along. It was like every guy in the school wanted to be close to her. And wanted her for themselves. One of them was Nick. And he wasn't getting any special treatment. It was his best friend, Ian (not his real name) however, whose future with the S-chick seemed brightest. She was into Ian, and I know this because during that time, everyone seemed to be checking for updates about Sophie's love life. Girls were clinging to their guys, tight. Anyway, back to the Ian story. I had to admit, they were a better match. Whoops.

But there was one teenie-tiny problem. Ian was taken. You read it right, he had a girlfriend. And it was major buzzkill to Sophie. It wasn't cool. Ian then wanted to break up with his gf to be with Sophie, but then things got complicated, and soon enough, Sophie just got tired if waiting for things to iron out between her and Ian. And Ian was just messed up.

So, it was time for the Nickster to play dirty. Well, figuratively. And not dirty. Oh darn, scratch that. It was time for Nick to make his move. And like bestfriends do, Ian actually helped him win the girl, and beofre you know it, Nick and Sophie became the campus couple or something. People were practically worshiping them and their perfect relationship. 

Okay, maybe that came out a little mean. But it was true. The only thing lacking was for them to videotape everything they did and turn their lives into a reality TV show and let everyone spy on them on television. JK

You're probably wondering. What happened to me? 

Well, there I was. Drowning in self-pity. NOT. Okay, maybe I was a little bit 'hurt' about all that had transpired. But what was I supposed to do? The universe was in their favor. What's meant to be was meant t o be. No more, no less. But I still had something against Sophie that time. I didn't know the girl. 

But that summer, I made an impulse decision. To get to know her, I had to talk to her, and what was the best way to sound nice without having to make an effort to look nice and I guess, be nice, to someone than to text them. That way, I couldn't be as repulsive as I was when I saw her in person. Because in truth, I disliked the girl. I admit it. 

And I realize it was stupid. Because after text after text, I finally see that she's fine. She's a good girl. And she's perfect. Pffft

Well anyway, junior year wasn't all bad either. There were some notable notes on the Nick and Sophie department, though. 

Exhibit A. Prom

During which event, Nick arrived fashionably late thanks to some fashion emergency a few miles away from the venue. And during which event, Sophie was picked to be an usherette. No surprise there. Anyway, the real thing, is that every body and I mean everybody expected to see them dance or show 'em some PDA or something. But no, as I dance with random guys from my class, I always take a sneaky glance at them. Creepy, I know. But I wanted to be in-the-radar for anything. Like everyone else, I had expectations. But that night, everyone didn't have much to say. There was no dancing, no public display, no anything. No matter how much each of their BFF's forced them to dance, the look on their faces seemed to contradict. Nick was just pissed, his expression a little unreadable, but it was evident he was annoyed and irritated by all the pushing. And Sophie, well she was plain sad.

At the end of that night, all I could think about was: What the hell was going on?

Exhibit B. Unusual Decline in SNS Activity

Well, I don't want to make further note on this one. But you get the picture.

But then I realize it wasn't a picture at all. It was a puzzle. A three-piece puzzle, and Nick and Sophie were just 2/3 of the whole equation. Meet then freshman Valerie. Yeah, she was pretty. enough said. Nick liked pretty girls. Nothing else mattered. Big whoop.

So, then senior year comes along, and the whole Nick and Sophie relationship has totally gone overboard. Their ship was sinking. Or so I heard. Turns out things weren't going good between the two of them, and they decided to just part. But the feelings are still there though. Or so they tell me.

But is Nick ready to fill in another space? Turns out people are saying he likes Valerie now. No surprise there again. But, what is up with all this? Confusing much? I am so not following. But it was fun keeping track unintentionally. 

So what do you think? Because I have no idea..

x's and o's, 

AERASALVATORE

"Nosy B*tches Die"

I know this is totally none of my beeswax, and I am in no way interfering with some war I think is about to ensue, but as a student journalist (haha), I guess I need to take a stand. This is not some way to take sides or whatever, I'm just laying out what I think about this current situation...that doesn't concern me. I guess this is what you may call...A REACTION PAPER.

Okay, it sounds nerdy. But.. yeah. It is nerdy. But here it goes. I'm going to write this is a vaguely manner so as not to raise suspicions. In case you know me or something.

So, rumors have been circulating lately and it is not good publicity. This was supposed to be kept secret I think, because it is so not something that anyone should just hear about. This wasn't like the light gossip you can tell your bajillion friends about. This was heavy gossip. Ones that should be kept locked up in a box somewhere and should only be known to the people you truly trust.

When the word came out, I was stunned. And I thought that they were just that: rumors. And that none of that was true. It was absurd. I let it slide.

But my faith in that theory was completely trashed when people started talking about it again, and now with the confirmation that the rumors are true. It was unbelievable. But I swore to myself that I wouldn't say anything to anyone, especially the ones that were totally unconcerned about the entire thing and those who were clueless and just wanted to get updated about the whole issue, no matter how much they begged and got angry with me.

I didn't care. It wasn't my secret to tell.

And with each passing day, that rumor, which was then proven to be a fact, was becoming dead to me. Like I said not involved.

But sometime today, another shocker looked me right in the face. I innocently ran into a message from the person involved in the rumor, er, fact, to this person no. 2 who I guess is her friend and all, about person 2 spreading the issue to just about everyone she knows. And I could certainly conclude from said message that person 1 was not happy about it. And that this was going down a road far too bumpy to walk into.

Seriously, I admit to having to help spread rumors but not in to the point where it actually leads to the above example. The above example illustrated future roadkill. It was definitely going nowhere good.

I'm not lecturing and all, but I guess this is a lesson learned. That rumors can break someone. They may just be verbal and non-physical things, but they can cut like knives and leave us bleeding. It can ruin a person's reputation, which he.she has just worked his/her butt out for his/her whole life.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, just be vigilant. Be on the lookout for whatever comes your way. You never know. Karmic intervention may just dodge the bullet back to you. Karma's a biatch. Or so they say.

x's and o's,
AERASALVATORE